Anxiety Yet Again!!

It’s Newport Jazz Time. Gloria and I go every year. It’s usually an exciting time. It’s gotten to the point where we don’t even look at the line up. I’ve seen Glasper, Pat Metheny, Gregory Porter, and Esperanza Spalding. A few greats like Dee Dee Bridgewater and John Scofield, I’ve seen on that stage, as well as more contemporary performers like Common, Tank and the Bangas, and many others. People from all over bring their lawn chairs, picnic stuff and they enjoy a weekend of fine jazz. Although, some of the artists aren’t jazz performers. 

On my way here, I realized that I’d left my meds at home. That is, my blood pressure meds, and meds to control my anxiety. I had been driving for some time before I realized I left them. This happened to me once before, a doctor friend of mine called the pharmacy and I got what I needed. I figured this time, I’ll just call my doctor and they can do the same thing, maybe at CVS or something. Anyway we move forward and I go with that plan in my head. 

The first performers I see upon arrival are Marcus Miller, Louis Cato, and John Scofield. These three played songs that showed a very high level of musicality. Louis sings as well as plays instruments. This was a real treat to see. I don’t want to get into who was good and all of that. I think everyone was very good. I want to point out some highlights for me so far. 

Besides Marcus and that crew being incredible, The Roy Haynes Tribute Band was on fire. Kenny Garrett on sax, Danilo Perez on piano and keys, John Pattitucci on bass, and Marcus Gilmore (Roy Haynes’ grandson) on drums. They played beautifully together. They created a magical set. Kenny sounded full of improvisational magic. 

Terrance Blanchard was performing some jams from his new release. He brought Michael Mayo out to sing with him. They performed Michael’s “Four” and sounded amazing. Some groups I missed. There’s no way to see everyone at my age. LOL. 

Youssef Dayes’ group played beautifully. I enjoyed watching them. Nubiya Garcia performed on the main stage and killed it. Dianne Reeves made me tear in the first few minutes of her stepping on stage. Her grace and royalty permeated that stage. It was as though the true Queen of Jazz was there. She’d be our Ella, or Sarah. Seeing her blessed me. She scatted like she invented the art form. She was in great voice. Wow. 

This has been a much needed getaway for me. Today, with all of the music and great vibes with our friends Tracy, Mo, and Linda, was a very good day. We saw a little bit of Janelle Monae’s set. She was sorta futuristic, genre-defying, and good at the same time. Lots of talent. I saw British star Raye. She is a true star, knows how to relate to an audience and deliver her message well. Once we ate dinner and got back, I was proper tired. 

Let me catch you up on my meds story. I arrived Friday, did the event and went to sleep with no meds. While I’m out Saturday morning, CVS says they can’t give me temporary drugs because my prescription at home was just refilled. Ok cool. I’m here with no meds. I’m thinking I’ll just push through. I’ve not had any major anxiety issues in some time. I can probably do these four days without meds. 

Well, Saturday I get back to the room dead tired. No sooner than I start snoring, anxiety hit me right in the brain. My C-PAP mask feels like a death trap all of a sudden. I can’t get comfortable in bed. My mind starts racing with intrusive thoughts. I’m getting sweaty. My heart is beating faster. ALL WITHIN SECONDS! I can’t even get one single thought together in my head. Out of some sort of desperation to be heard and talked to, I wake Gloria immediately, “It’s happening,” I tell her. So I get up all confused. Not knowing what I was going to do at 1:30 am. For a moment, I felt myself walking in circles. 

Anxiety attempts to take away your control over your mind, and then your peace seemingly flies out of the window. This illness all takes place in your mind and doesn’t want to leave. The drug I take is called Paxil (Paroxetine). It’s like a security guard against thoughts that lead to anxiety. It feels like it helps me keep my control over my thoughts and fears when anxiety comes around. Now that I haven’t had any in two days, the anxiety is raging at this very moment. 

There’s nothing I can do but write this blog or take small walks to my car and back, just to kill time which is now moving super slow. I spoke to my friend Larry. He too understands trauma. I asked him to pray for me and he did. He said he even got on his knees. I called the pharmacy at around 3:49 am. Couldn’t get anyone so I drove there and pleaded my case with the pharmacist who gave me a pill! 

In case that went by too fast let me explain to you what just happened. I’m a man visiting Rhode Island. This place is nice but has a really interesting level of racism going on, if I were honest. Kate, the pharmacist, sees me and helps me?!?!? The woman gave me the pill I needed to get through this trip, at no charge! I can’t take it till tomorrow evening, but having it gave me peace of mind. I will now ask Larry to pray for me all of the time. 

I’m at the festival for the third day now. Around 11:30 am or so, the smallest stage starts. These are, most times, local high school bands, or up and coming jazzers. Christian McBride was gracious enough to introduce and interview them on that stage, which is no more than an area on the ground that’s taped off. Christian’s presence brought some people over to listen to the bands there. I loved him for doing that. Etienne Charles, an amazing trumpet player, was also there and part of the small stage too. That was huge. 

The opener on the main stage is a young jazzer named Lakecia Benjamin. Lakecia is a saxophonist who plays with fire in each note. She yelled in the mic “WE CELEBRATE LOVE AND LIFE!! WE GIVE GLORY TO GOD!!” Then she played the alto like no one I’ve heard in a while. It sounded like she was in a war! I heard Trane, a lot of Pharoah Sanders, but with the power and fire of FELA!!!! Complete with a metallic gold jumper and jacket and white boots, this young woman said, “TODAY WE CELEBRATE WOMEN IN JAZZ!! YEAH!” Every time she grabbed the mic it felt as though she was doing a war cry. In her defense, that energy was soooo appreciated. She was the perfect opener. She was exceptional and talented. She even rapped a little. 

Christian McBride did a set with his Big Band. These musicians were so solid and talented that everyone was captivated. They brought Jeffrey Osborne to the stage and backed him playing LTD songs. They played with ease and precision. Usually, bands tend to play a little fast during concerts. The energy gets to them. However, these guys were in complete control. They played the songs with a solid sound. Well skilled. Jeffrey made everybody swoon. The man still has the magic. 

Let’s talk about De La Soul. Originally 3 members, and now that one has passed, they tend to invite guest rappers to come rock the set with them. On this set they had the great Pharoah Monch and Talib Kweli. It felt so super organic to me. Talib and Pharoah seemed like they were a part of the original De La! These guys had routines, they knew each other's lines. It almost looked as though they were having fun instead of performing. The crowd participated in every song. There wasn’t a boring moment. They were also sensitive to the children present. We all love De La Soul, but I will now go back and listen to their music as a reminder of the greatness we had and still have in them. 

Don’t get angry with me for saying what I’m about to say. I’ve seen singing morph from this hot thing to that hot thing. I’ve seen many performers. I was not AT ALL expecting to enjoy Jorja Smith. I kinda felt like this may be more of the same record company crap that comes out and does super well. Pretty face, stick her with a talented producer, come up with a grabbing, catchy hook phrase like, “Espresso” by Sabrina Carpenter. HUGE HIT! BUT……. Now pause this, and go to YouTube and listen to see what I mean. People love that song. 

I really believed Jorja was going to be a lot of that. However, I couldn’t be more wrong. She was talented and her songs were all written from a sincere space. She has some growing to do, for example, she wore all black and didn’t stand out at all. Every time I looked at the stage, I had to find her because she blended in with the band and stage without having any color on. She wore all black. Her performance was beautiful. 

Lastly, King Jacob Collier. This is a discussion I need to have with all of my vocalist friends. Musical freedom is a must, everybody. This man literally jumped onto the stage. His energy was on 100! Just full of life, joy, happiness, love, creative power, and imagination. He was beautiful. His musical freedom was insane. He can’t be placed under one umbrella. Neither can a lot of the performers, come to think of it. 

Jorja, Janelle Monae, Raye, and Jacob Collier are all genre-defying. I love that so much.

I remember being told by the great Jheryl Busby at Motown, “we’re in the business of selling music.” That was to say that my creativity has to take a back seat to the business of selling music. My playing all of the different instruments, singing and writing everything, producing everything, alone with no help, MEANS NOTHING!!!!!! That doesn’t sell records. Period!!! 

He was saying, “GET OUT OF YOUR FEELINGS! THIS ISN’T ABOUT YOU! WE’RE TRYING TO SELL RECORDS!” Back then, that was the goal. Today it’s changed from selling records into making artists more popular. That’s why social media is important. It’s an easy way to gain popularity. That is surely today’s goal in the music industry. Sales are a means to support the popularity of the artist, also to pay employees and bills. Popular artists sell more merchandise and get higher paying gigs. Record companies invest in popular artists and get paid when the artist gets paid from shows, merch, endorsements, and anything else the artist earns. A lot of the time, the record company gets the lion’s share of the income. 

Record companies used to be deathly afraid of artists that defied genres or seemed to play many different styles of music because they want to sell their music. They felt as though music has to be labeled in order to sell it. They have to call it something other than music. It has to be pop, hip-hop, jazz or something. It can’t just be music. No title, no genre, equaled no sales. Things have clearly changed. 

Today one doesn’t have to hear music, they must see it for it to gain popularity. This is why some artists wear shocking clothes in the name of being their unique self. Making appearances at awards shows wearing a helmet in the shape of a house will have pictures all over the internet. This equates to popularity, which means money. 

ANYWAY, these artists are truly inspiring me to be less judgmental of my own music and become more free in my expressions. I’m walking away from this festival feeling inspired to live healthier, eat better, and work out some in order to do more music and perform in more spaces around the world.

Most of the artists that performed stated that they wanted us to embrace love and unity. TOGETHERNESS. Think about that for a sec. Why do you think almost every artist performing said, “We want to spread unity and love”? It’s extremely important to feel love. Trouble usually comes from people that don’t. Dianne Reeves said right before she walked off the stage, “Yes. Alright. We’re in unison now. Goodnight.”